Department Of Defense officials announced early this morning that the United States Government has lost one of its nuclear missiles inside of a neighbor’s tree.
Attempts to retrieve the nuclear are still ongoing according to a DOD representative. “The Army Engineer Corps has been hard at work trying to retrieve the missile. At first we tried to remove the missile by throwing a shoe to loosen it out of the branches. Now we have a shoe stuck in the tree as well. One of our engineers also tried to lure the missile out of the tree with some uranium. Unfortunately the missile did not budge and several people are now being treated for radiation poisoning.”
The owner of the property which the tree is on has been identified as 57 year old John Fillmore who doesn’t seem to mind the presence of the missile.
“You know, at first I was kind of ticked off that the dang military went and got their missile stuck in my tree. Now I’m at peace with it. Mainly because I realize the power I have. Now if my neighbor Bob complains about my music I can turn him and his family into a pile of ash. I’ve stopped paying alimony too. You know what else? I have no plans to return my book to the library now, screw their late fees. John Fillmore has become a nuclear power and none shall stand against me.”
As of now the best proposed solution to remove the missile is to try and dislodge it with another missile of equal size.