Former President Donald Trump took to a Mar-a-Lago press podium this week to announce that 2025 has officially been the best year in American history for “trickle-up economics,” a concept he claimed to have invented minutes before the press conference. “It’s never worked this well,” he declared. “Money is now pouring up to the top where it belongs. The system is finally working—people at the bottom are funding billionaires. It’s beautiful.”
According to Trump, the economic model works exactly as it sounds. “Regular Americans pay their taxes, lose their benefits, and billionaires get a third yacht. That’s what we call success. That’s what we call freedom,” he explained while sitting in a gold-plated golf cart with cupholders for caviar.
The centerpiece of this financial miracle is a new policy package unofficially dubbed the “Rich People Relief Act,” which includes tax forgiveness for anyone with more than four offshore accounts, corporate write-offs for superyacht maintenance, and a clause allowing hedge fund managers to claim emotional support jets. To fund the changes, the government has reportedly reclassified universal lunch programs as “luxury perks.”
Critics say the math doesn’t add up, but Trump dismissed the concerns. “Math is fake. We’ve moved on to vibes-based economics. If I feel richer, that means the economy is stronger. That’s just good sense.” He then waved to an invisible crowd and called himself “the Steve Jobs of cash redistribution.”
Supporters cheered the announcement, many of them unaware that their retirement age has now been raised to “eventually,” and that all social programs have been replaced with a raffle. Winners receive a coupon for one free forehead kiss from a Trump family member of their choice (Barron excluded by court order).
At press time, Trump was reportedly drafting a follow-up policy called “Trickle-Up 2: Golden Boogaloo,” which would allow billionaires to claim middle-class people as dependents, provided they promise to think about them once a quarter.
