In his latest executive action, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis has officially banned rainbows, calling them “woke meteorological propaganda” and a “leftist infiltration of our skies.” The ban, which goes into effect immediately, prohibits the public display of “multi-colored atmospheric phenomena” and directs state troopers to issue citations for “unauthorized spectral behavior.”
“Florida is a freedom-loving state,” DeSantis declared at a press conference while flanked by a row of beige umbrellas. “And we will not allow Mother Nature to push the radical rainbow agenda down our throats. The skies belong to everyone, not just Big Gay Weather.”
The legislation, titled the “Sunshine Sovereignty Act,” mandates that all weather patterns conform to “traditional, patriotic cloud formations.” Rainbows will be replaced with “God-fearing fog, military-grade overcast, and church-approved drizzle.” Floridians are encouraged to report any rainbow sightings to a new state-run hotline, 1-800-NO-GAYRAYS.
Meteorologists across the country are baffled. “You can’t actually ban a refraction of light,” said Dr. Carla Nguyen, a physicist at the University of Miami. “That’s like banning gravity for being too socialist.” DeSantis responded by calling Dr. Nguyen a “liberal storm witch” and suggesting she be investigated for cloud collusion.
Critics of the ban argue that DeSantis is once again prioritizing culture war nonsense over real issues. But supporters say it’s about protecting children. “My son saw a rainbow and asked if leprechauns were part of Antifa,” said one concerned parent in Jacksonville. “We need to bring back weather that respects our values.”
At press time, DeSantis had reportedly ordered the state’s art museums to censor any rainbow-themed content, including The Wizard of Oz, Skittles commercials, and Lisa Frank folders. Meanwhile, God, when reached for comment, said, “I literally made the rainbow as a sign of peace, but okay, go off.”
