In a triumphant moment for American legislative theater, House Republicans gathered on the Capitol steps this morning to celebrate the passage of what they’re calling the “Big Beautiful Bill” — an 842-page legislative behemoth they voted on just hours after receiving it. The contents? “We’ll circle back on that,” said House Speaker Mike Johnson, gently patting the stack of unread paper like it was a golden retriever.
“We trust our donors — I mean drafters — to have our best interests at heart,” said Rep. Jim Jordan, who confirmed he hadn’t read the bill but did skim the title, “The Freedom-Patriot-American Restoration Act of 2025.” He called it “a slam dunk for liberty,” though admitted he wasn’t sure if it dealt with taxes, Ukraine, or “possibly just a big rebate on ammo.”
The bill, reportedly compiled with input from oil lobbyists, a group of confused state fair attendees, and a right-wing podcast host named “Trucker Dan,” was introduced at 11:53 PM Tuesday and passed at 6:02 AM Wednesday, during what GOP members called a “legislative power hour.” It passed 219–213, with one lawmaker allegedly voting from a Bass Pro Shops parking lot via Bluetooth.
When pressed by reporters for details, Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene smiled and pulled a crayon sketch out of her purse labeled “My Bill.” It featured an AR-15 with angel wings, a Bible, and what appeared to be a ban on the metric system. “That’s the spirit of the bill,” she said. “The rest is just paperwork.”
Democrats expressed concern over a provision that appears to privatize sunlight and outlaw solar panels in states with more than four vowels. “It’s a mess,” said Rep. Jamie Raskin, “but a very confident mess.”
Still, Republican leadership remains upbeat. “We’re going to read it together at our next retreat,” said Rep. Steve Scalise. “Like a patriotic book club. With beer.”
