The Biden administration announced early this morning that each stimulus check would be accompanied by some warm kisses from President Biden.
Press Secretary Jen Psaki spoke to reporters about how President Biden plans to accomplish this goal.
“President Biden has been meeting with his task forces daily, going over diagrams and charts and based upon all available evidence he should be able to kiss every American who receives a stimulus check. We’ve loaded up on chapstick to keep his lips moist, we’ve been having him watch Youtube compilations of kissing tutorials. Everyone here is confident in President Biden’s ability to kiss the American people. I’ve spent time kissing him and aside from it being extremely uncomfortalbe I think it showcases Biden’s unshakbale resolve towards the crisis that America is currently facing.”
President Biden later released a video message explaining the importance of the kisses alongside the stimulus checks.
“Listen, people, the American people, have been struggling. Small businesses have been decimated, people are out of work, children are starving. Things are tough out there right now, old Joe knows that. These stimulus checks are gonna help people but they won’t be enough to get rid of that fear. We’re all afraid right now, and the only thing that can calm that fear is a nice warm kiss on the lips from yours truly. I’ll even throw in a free shoulder massage as long as everyone doesn’t get weird about it. My lips are wet, they’re ready to go, they’re ready to bring hope. So get your lips ready America, because I’m coming for them.”
Biden concluded the video message by making a puppet with his closed fist, smearing lipstick all over it, and then demonstrating his kissing technique in silence for seven minutes.