In a move that has stunned pediatricians and delighted gun lobbyists, a newly passed law in Arkansas will now allow babies to legally carry firearms “in the interest of early exposure to responsible gun ownership.” The bill, titled the Infant Second Amendment Strengthening Act, sailed through the state legislature with overwhelming support and a suspicious number of NRA-branded pacifiers.
“Our goal is simple: make gun safety second nature — literally from birth,” said State Senator Buck “Tactical Teddy” McGraw, who co-authored the bill after seeing a toddler point a finger gun at a juice box. “If you can grip a rattle, you can grip a .22,” he added, as if that made any sense at all.
Under the new law, babies are allowed to open carry as long as they are accompanied by a parent, guardian, or legally designated nap supervisor. Baby holsters will be regulated under the Toy Firearms Stabilization Clause, and diaper bags will be required to include a lockbox and one mandatory American flag sticker.
Proponents argue that arming infants is the only way to ensure true cradle-to-cradle security. “The only thing that stops a bad baby with a gun is a good baby with a gun,” said McGraw, who appears to have skipped several chapters in his parenting book. “It’s about safety. And freedom. And baby freedom.”
Critics have called the law “absolutely unhinged,” warning that babies lack the motor skills, judgment, and understanding of… well, anything. Pediatricians worry the legislation could lead to higher rates of diaper-related misfires and pacifier-hostage situations. Meanwhile, child safety advocates are begging parents not to combine tummy time with target practice.
Despite backlash, Arkansas officials are moving forward with plans to implement the law statewide, including public service announcements starring toddlers in Kevlar bibs. A follow-up bill is already in the works, rumored to propose gun racks for strollers and infant firearm licenses issued alongside birth certificates.
