Hollywood was rocked this week as multiple women bravely came forward—not to accuse Adam Sandler of criminal misconduct—but of something arguably more damaging: making consistently terrible movies.
“I was just a kid when Jack and Jill came out,” said one woman, holding back tears. “I thought it was a joke. But then it kept going. And then Pixels happened. I haven’t trusted comedy since.”
In coordinated statements, women across the country detailed harrowing experiences involving forced viewings of Grown Ups 2, emotional scarring from The Ridiculous 6, and an existential crisis triggered by You Don’t Mess with the Zohan. One plaintiff claimed her date whispered “this is actually really funny” during Hubie Halloween, prompting her to seek therapy.
Sandler, long known for his love of basketball shorts, vacation-based filming contracts, and yelling in silly voices, responded to the accusations with confusion. “Wait… people were watching those?” he said, mid-putt on a luxury golf course funded entirely by Netflix.
While critics have defended some of Sandler’s work—particularly his performance in Uncut Gems—most women agreed that the film only added to the emotional whiplash. “It gave me hope,” said another accuser. “And then he followed it up with Murder Mystery 2. That’s psychological warfare.”
At press time, Sandler had announced his next movie will star him, Kevin James, and a CGI goat as three divorced plumbers who time-travel to save Thanksgiving. Netflix greenlit the project for $87 million.
