After years of offering unsolicited pandemic advice based entirely on YouTube videos and uncle-in-law anecdotes, local loudmouth Greg Sutter has seamlessly transitioned into a self-declared expert on prostate cancer. The shift came moments after President Biden publicly shared his own prostate cancer diagnosis, triggering a nationwide wave of amateur glandology.
“I knew this was coming,” said Sutter, who has never taken a biology course but owns several mugs that say “Free Thinker.” “They didn’t listen when I warned them about masks and microchips, and now they’re covering up the truth about prostates. I’ve been connecting the dots for years.”
Sutter’s credentials include a half-read article on Substack, a misquoted statistic from a podcast hosted by a retired MMA fighter, and a meme comparing the prostate to a pressure valve for masculinity. He now insists the real threat is not cancer itself, but a government-led plot to control hormones through 5G signals and soy-based foods.
“He asked me if I’d had my prostate ‘decoded,’” said Dr. Linda Kwan, a local physician who deeply regrets accepting new patients this year. “Then he handed me a diagram that was just the male reproductive system drawn inside a triangle with an all-seeing eye.”
According to sources, Sutter has begun filming nightly rants titled “The Gland Plan” from his garage. Episode one includes segments on bike seat conspiracies, why tomatoes are “testicle fruit,” and a lengthy segment explaining how Biden’s diagnosis is a psy-op to distract from lizard DNA in city water.
When asked if he might return to just yelling at the news like in 2019, Sutter smirked. “I’ve moved past COVID. I’m on to deeper truths now. Prostate truths.”
