Brian Keller, a 38-year-old warehouse assistant and part-time conspiracy whisperer, has officially declared himself more medically informed than his board-certified physician after reading a Facebook graphic shared by his cousin’s ex-girlfriend’s uncle. The post featured a colorful chart titled “What The Government Doesn’t Want You To Know,” complete with Comic Sans font and a watermark from an unverified page called “Truth_Lazer_420.”
“Doctors spend years memorizing stuff from textbooks written by Big Pharma,” Keller explained while microwaving his third plate of taquitos. “I prefer my information to come from real people who use all caps and exclamation points to show they’re passionate.” He later added that his critical thinking skills were “sharpened” by years of arguing with strangers in comment sections.
Keller’s newfound expertise includes advanced topics such as the healing power of essential oils, the dangers of 5G towers, and how Bill Gates controls weather patterns through mood rings. When confronted with contradictory evidence or peer-reviewed studies, he confidently replies with the phrase, “Do your own research,” before linking to a YouTube video hosted by someone named Tank_Sovereign.
His doctor, Dr. Meredith Lin, expressed mild concern. “I told Brian he needed a flu shot,” she said. “He responded by handing me a laminated meme of a bald eagle punching a syringe. I’m not sure what medical journal that came from.”
Despite the lack of formal training, Keller has considered opening his own wellness practice out of his garage, which doubles as a gym, storage unit, and candle-making space. He says it will offer “unbiased advice” on health, spirituality, and cryptocurrency.
When asked if he might return to trusting credentialed experts, Keller shook his head. “Once you wake up, you can’t go back to sleep,” he said, before heading off to buy crystals from a guy named Darryl behind the vape shop.
