Federal investigators have concluded that the main cause of Texas power outages was the fact that the entire grid was powered by a single hamster.
John Bowley who oversaw the investigation made an announcement regarding the findings his team had made.
“Upon conclusion of our investigation, we have found that the entirety of the Texas power grid was being fueled by a single hamster. This hamster had been given a diet of PCP and sugar water which allowed it to run all day and night to meet the power needs of Texas. Unfortunately, during the snowstorm that hit the state, the power needs were nearly tripled and the hamster died of a heart attack. This sudden heart attack was the ultimate cause of the statewide power outage which has affected so many.”
The investigation also looked into other areas of Texas utilities such as plumbing and air filtration and found disturbingly similar situations.
“Upon learning that the electrical grid was powered by a single hamster we went and looked into other departments. We found that over 80% of all plumbing lines had been built out of plastic crazy straws and that all of the air filtration systems were being powered via hand operated bellows. We are unsure why the entire Texas utility system is being operated this way but we believe it is as a means of reducing the overall cost of labor.”
Preliminary investigations into the nuclear power industry have found that uranium ore had been strapped with jumper cables as a means of harnessing energy.
Texas officials have refused to make any additional comments regarding the findings of the investigation.