In a shocking but somehow not surprising twist, agents with Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) are reporting heightened feelings of vulnerability when confronted by U.S. citizens who can read above a fourth-grade level — specifically, those who have read the Constitution.
The Department of Homeland Security released an internal memo this week titled “Constitutional Literacy as a Threat Vector,” which states that “verbal citations of the Fourth and Fourteenth Amendments have led to moments of hesitation, existential dread, and, in extreme cases, agents questioning their entire career trajectory.”
One ICE agent, who asked to remain anonymous but whose name tag read “Brad,” confessed: “I was just about to snatch a guy off a sidewalk when he asked if I had a warrant. I panicked. I hadn’t been trained for… questions.” Brad is currently on administrative leave and undergoing re-education through a PowerPoint titled “Why the Founding Fathers Didn’t Mean You.”
The agency is now lobbying Congress to reclassify “reading the Constitution out loud in public” as a Class B misdemeanor, citing increased tension, protester literacy, and what ICE officials are calling a “widespread epidemic of knowing your rights.”
In response, pro-Constitution groups have begun holding “Know Your Rights Flash Mobs” in front of ICE facilities, where crowds gather to read the Bill of Rights in unison while dressed as historical figures. These actions have prompted DHS to issue emotional support bayonets to agents “in case of Founding Father cosplay trauma.”
ICE has also requested $18 million in emergency funds to develop “Amendment-Proof Vests” that block out phrases like “due process,” “unlawful search,” and “basic decency.”
When asked whether ICE might consider retraining or updating its mission, a senior official said: “That sounds suspiciously like critical thinking. You trying to get deported, bro?”
