Historians at Oxford University have made the groundbreaking discovery that notorious London serial killer Jack The Ripper was actually just really clumsy.
This new information came to light after researchers discovered a journal written by none other than Jack The Ripper himself. The journal contained hundreds of entries, each giving a first hand account of the awkward moments that the author experienced on a day to day basis due to his clumsiness.
One entry gave insight into who Jack The Ripper was before the now debunked murders.
“February 12th, 1888. Oy, teday, I was walking along the cobblestone street towards the horse stable where an o’l bloke like me works and then suddenly I goes tripping on a slippery stone. I up and land face first in a pile of horse dung. The kiddies all gathered round and laughed at me, they laughed at old Jack! They even called me Jack The Tripper on account of how I keep slipping and falling over. Aye, I might be entertaining to watch when I fall over but that don’t make me a clown, my clumsiness is a real problem and I’m tired of blokes making fun of me for it.”
Further journal entries explain how the murders were nothing more than wacky accidents.
“August 31st, 1888. What a day! What a day! Not in a good way either! No sir! I was off and about for a night of drinking when I stumbled across this pretty young dame who wanted to take me back home for a pumpin or two. Course, o’l Jack got all excited and scampered back to her place, then along the way, I saw me a street merchant making a sale on knives. Well I can’t be passing up no deal so good as that! So I go and buy the whole lot of knives and carry em wit me as I go home with the lady. Low and behold however, as soon as I enter into her bedchambers I slip on a pool of oil and the knives in my hand go spilling everywhere. I try to regain my balance, slipping and sliding, twisting and turning. Then, next thing I know I’ve gone and carved er up like a Christmas ham. Old Jack has done it again! Not sure how I’m gonna explain this one to me mum! Piss on my clumsiness! Piss on it all!”
Many historians have permanently retired following this discovery, many stating that if history is this incredibly stupid then they do not want to be a part of unravelling it.