Author: Henry

Henry was once asked to run Tesla, but he respectfully declined due to his current obligations with his World of Warcraft guild.

Gavin Newsom has approved the latest bill that will require California residents to wear masks during intercourse. The new law was proposed after record breaking Covid-19 outbreaks hit the state. Californian officials have been meeting daily to try to combat the spread. Since California is known as the intercourse state, lawmakers figured out a way to protect its residents, without taking away one of lifes most favorable past times. If someone is caught having sex without a mask, they could face up to 14 days in jail with a hefty fine. Although you need a mask for intercourse, condoms are…

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A new Harvard study has concluded that people who don’t return their shopping carts are total pieces of shit. The study was a result from a human psychology class that was studying the behaviors of total pieces of shit. One common attribute was that they didn’t return their shopping carts to the proper spot. The behavioral study also indicates that total pieces of shit share 5-7 articles of fake news a week, park in handicap spots, don’t wish you a happy birthday, and much more. You can follow and read more details to the Harvard Study here.

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Joe Biden has been spotted with a “Beating Dementia for DUMMIES” book sitting in his library. The book was spotted by a twitter user who was watching the live stream. The book can be spotted in the background. Although it is blurry, you can make out the title of the book. Caps Lock News was also able to clarify the image to make it more visible to the readers. With this revelation, Donald Trump plans to use this to further his presidential campaign. Biden supporters are saying the “Beating Dementia for Dummies” book is there for trolling, while Trump supporters are saying…

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It’s been reported that Tom Brady is refusing to practice with the Buccaneers until the team stops showering naked. Apparently after a recent practice, Brady stormed out of the locker room after he noticed his new teammates were showering naked. Tom was so uncomfortable that he called his agent and demanded the team to change the locker room policy or he’d refuse to practice. It’s been confirmed by our sources that the team is currently undergoing negotiations with Tom Brady’s agent to establish the new locker room policy. Some of the new policies would require the Buccaneer players to wear shorts in…

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It’s been reported that a new breed of hornets called the Murder Hornets, have migrated from Asia to the United States. The Murder Hornets get their name because they are extremely deadly. They don’t actually kill with their stingers. In fact, they fly around with Glocks, making them one of the most lethal type of hornets. The hornets were spotted for the first time in the state of Washington. Apparently police arrived at a resident’s house after being called in for gun shots. The police arrived during a shootout between two different gangs of Murder Hornets. According to local statements, the…

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Multiple women have come forward to accuse Adam Sandler of making terrible movies. With today’s culture shifting, fans rightfully believe women first before potentially defending the accused. The women who made the accusations made the shocking announcement earlier today on Twitter. So far, 6 women have come forward with their horrendous experiences dealing with Adam Sandler movies. As news starts to spread, the victims hope more women will come forward with their unfortunate experiences. The stories of the 6 women are precisely similar. With the behavior being a predictable pattern, this could be dangerous for Adam Sandler. Here’s the list of…

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Walmart announced earlier today that they will be requiring all customers to wear deodorant. The announcement came in a corporate memo, including a 5 cent discount on all deodorant products for store employees. The new change will start immediately at all Walmart locations. Customers who refuse to wear deodorant will be refused entry to the store. The store greeter will be responsible of sniffing everyone’s armpit before allowing the customers inside the store. Kids and toddlers will also be required to wear deodorant. If customers forget to apply deodorant, they’ll have the opportunity to purchase some outside the store. The…

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A new global virus is quickly spreading globally. The new virus, ID-10T, has been reported in every country. Everyone is susceptible to the virus. It’s been reported that some of the symptoms might include: sharing fake news, not quarantining during global pandemics, not trusting scientists, believing the earth is flat, and not using the proper you’re/your. There is a cure for the ID-10T virus. It’s called, Think Before You Post.

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Police departments have officially warned families to check Halloween candy for copies of “The Communist Manifesto” book. Local departments are warning families that these books are more dangerous than crack cocaine. The warning also states that these books might not have a short term issue, but a more dangerous long term effect that will ‘destroy America”. The full police warning can be read below: “Dear Local Residents, please be on the lookout for liberal snowflakes passing out copies of ‘The Communist Manifest’. Make sure to check Halloween candy bags for these books because they’re more dangerous than crack cocaine.” The message continued,…

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